Shinigami's Silence
by The Golden Ostrich
Summary: The Silence is to be expected, but sometimes the echoes it leaves behind is earthshattering. 2+1, 3+4 pairings...please R&R!


Shinigami's Silence  
  
The Golden Ostrich  
  
***  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing, and so many people have already made this disclaimer that I cannot think of anything witty and original to say.  
  
***  
  
People don't understand Shinigami's silence...they don't understand the tears in my heart at its mentioning. To them, the silence is just a part of life, and especially of Shinigami. To me, it's an injustice.  
  
***  
  
I woke that morning to the sound of Duo in the kitchen below...his consciousness amazed me because the clock stated that it was only 8:42...an ungodly hour for a God of Death. At that time of day, Duo was usually indulging in a deep coma rather than whatever concoction he was forming downstairs.  
  
I sat up and glanced at Quatre, still sleeping soundly beside me. His soft blonde hair was strewn haphazardly across the pillow, tousled by another night of restless sleep no doubt. We all have the nightmares, but I think he has the worst of it...he feels everyone else's emotions and I'm sure that's quite a burden to carry.  
  
As quietly as possible, I slipped out of the bed and made my way to the door, stepping around the loose floorboards that scream out their desire to be fixed whenever stepped on. I carefully turned the broken doorknob, praying that the other side of it wouldn't rattle free and fall to the ground. Over the course of the past month, it had persistently been throwing itself into the depths of the staircase below, causing a racket that rivaled a hungry Duo.  
  
Downstairs, I found him struggling with a mound of frozen food that had apparently escaped the icy realm of the freezer. On the counter sat a tub of black cherry ice cream, already softening.  
  
"What demon possessed your soul this morning and forced you to rise at a reasonable hour?" I asked, smiling as he dodged a falling box of frozen pizza.  
  
"It's called 'hunger'. A few of us have managed to maintain normal functions," he grunted, throwing his shoulder into a rock-hard turkey in an attempt to wedge it between a bag of frozen onions and the ham I had meant to cook for Easter. Chinese take-out had just been so much easier...  
  
"I don't think your drive for consumption would exactly be classified as 'normal'," I said, leaning against the counter and peering into the box of soggy ice cream.  
  
"Just because I'm not anorexic..." his voice trailed off as he turned his attention back to the freezer. I shrugged.  
  
"I'm not anorexic...I just don't eat more than I breathe."  
  
Duo grunted again.  
  
"You know, this is melting," I said.  
  
"Yeah, so is everything else."  
  
"Do you want some help?"  
  
"You'll break your little anorexic bones." I think Duo's jealous because I'm taller.  
  
I shrugged again, took out a spoon, and scooped out a little of the ice cream. It was halfway melted, but still edible.  
  
While I devoured Duo's hard-earned breakfast, I watched him repack the freezer, stacking boxes and shoving bags into little empty nooks. By the time he was finished, the remainder of the ice cream was soup and I was full.  
  
"Dammit," he said wearily. "Why did you eat it?"  
  
"Because it was melting...I told you that. There's no point in letting good food liquefy."  
  
"I'm going back to bed. This is taking too much energy, and you just ate my refueling source." He began to walk dejectedly from the kitchen, shoulders slumped and bangs hanging in his face.   
  
"Do you want me to make you some French toast?" I asked reluctantly. He immediately perked up and I realized I'd been guilt-tripped.  
  
"How kind of you to offer!" he exclaimed, eyes shining. He plopped down in a chair and looked at me expectantly.  
  
"Yes, master," I sighed and tugged out a frying pan.  
  
***  
  
Half a loaf of bread and a dozen eggs later, one very sticky Duo pushed away his plate and sighed in contentment. I watched him rise from the table, staggering as though he were drunk from the syrup. I hid my smile as he dragged himself out of the kitchen and up the stairs to the room he shares with Heero.  
  
I had just finished clearing the table when Quatre walked in...he was smiling as usual, fluffy head bobbing in time with his step. The sleep was still heavy in his eyes, but they shone like starlight when he saw me.   
  
"Good morning, Trowa," he said brightly. "What's on today's agenda?"  
  
"We're taking some time off," I replied, scraping bits of burnt egg from the pan with a spatula. "You wanna do something?"  
  
"Sure!" he said, eyes gleaming even brighter. I feel bad, not having much time to do things with him...I'm sure he'd love to go out to dinner and a movie more often than we have time for. But with all the battling, it's on a rare occasion that we spend a nice day or even just an evening together.  
  
"What would you like to do?"  
  
"Anything." I smiled at his eagerness...he's like a little puppy dog sometimes, waiting for his master to throw a ball.  
  
"All right then...what do you say to some ice skating and then dinner at the koryoriya (1) in town?"  
  
"Fantastic!" came the reply, but it wasn't from Quatre. I looked up and saw that Duo had reappeared. "I haven't been to that place in months!"  
  
I groaned lightly, remember the last time we had taken Duo to the koryoriya...unagi (2) and oden (3) everywhere...I shuddered at the memory.  
  
"Duo," I said gently. "Quatre and I are going out tonight. Why don't you see if Heero wants to go someplace with you?"  
  
"Heero is working again," he said with a slight frown. "He'd rather hammer away at his laptop all evening then go out anywhere."  
  
I couldn't help but feel sympathy for the happy-go-lucky brunette...Heero could be a cold fish at times, especially when he wanted to get some work done. I nodded.  
  
"All right...do you mind Quatre?"  
  
"Of course not," he said, but I could tell it bothered him a little. As soon as Duo left, I whispered to him,  
  
"We'll do something special on our own afterwards, okay?" The glimmer returned to his eyes and he nodded enthusiastically. "Good."  
  
I watched him fondly, my little puppy dog, as he nearly skipped out of the kitchen to work in his garden outside.  
  
***  
  
Apparently Duo did ask Heero if he wanted to go anywhere that night, but that latter only grunted at the former that he had serious work to do and that life couldn't be all fun and games. Duo retorted saying that Heero never had any fun or games and it ended in a shouting match that rang through the entire house, and then Duo moving a few essential supplies into Wufei's room. The Chinese boy wasn't too happy with this arrangement and muttered darkly about grievances for awhile, but we all know that he's much fonder of Duo than he lets on.  
  
Duo insisted on driving, which is a terrifying experience. He claims that he drives too fast to see the speed limit signs, hence they don't apply to him. He also claims that if he's able to pilot and battle with a Gundam in the depths of outer space, then driving into town should be no problem. Of course, he's overlooked the fact that the depths of outer space are relatively empty, whereas there are other cars and obstacles to avoid on the way to town.  
  
Wufei hitched a ride with us, needing to pick up something from the somewhere...he never actually told us, but he ended up in the front seat, while Quatre and I braced ourselves in the back. Duo flipped the roof back, eager to show off his shiny blue convertible, and then hurled his foot against the gas pedal for the next twenty minutes...he doesn't believe in letting the car coast anymore than he believes in speed limits.  
  
We dropped a dazed and angry Wufei off at the park...he said he'd rather walk the rest of the way, thank you, and walking back also suited him fine. Duo dismissed the second proposal with a wave of his hand and said he'd be back there at eleven. Then the car shot away from the sidewalk and we watched a very distressed and rapidly shrinking Wufei turn and walk towards the somewhere to pick up a something.  
  
Ice-skating actually turned out to be an enjoyable experience, even with the gravity-impaired Duo sliding helter-skelter across the rink, and more on his ass then his blades. It proved to be quite entertaining to see how large a margin of space people began to leave around him, or how many times he needed to knock into them before they started screaming profanities and insulting names. The amusement ended with a rather embarrassed Duo opting to sit on a bench and watch, rather then continue to be mocked.  
  
"I feel bad, Trowa," said Quatre, glancing over at the morose American.  
  
"He's the one who wanted to tag along."  
  
"People shouldn't treat him like that though...it's not his fault he's a bit of a klutz."  
  
I stopped, spraying ice from my blades, and sighed. "Well what do you want to do about it? People will be people...it's not like the human race feels any need to respect one another, even if they can't ice skate."  
  
"I know...we should at least invite him to come back out though."  
  
I raised an eyebrow at him, although he couldn't see it through my hair, so I raised the other one. "You want to invite a disaster back onto a slippery surface?"  
  
"Yes," he said stoutly.  
  
"Okay...this is your night out, so we can do what you want." He grabbed me by the hand and whisked me off to the bench.  
  
"Duo!" he called, waving happily with his free hand. "Come on back and skate with us. You're missing all the fun!" He considered for a moment, watching all the people frowning at the thought of his return, then looking at Quatre's happy face and my attempting-to-be-happy face.  
  
"All right," he said, and got back onto his bladed feet. I have no doubt that he was intending to come back anyway...he was probably just looking for a little attention.  
  
***  
  
After skating, we drove down the local koryoriya, called the Koshu Denwa, or the Telephone Booth...I'm not sure that the owner was completely sane, but he did know how to prepare some fantastic onigiri (4).  
  
The waiter seated us and handed us three menus...I scanned the selection briefly, although we'd been there so many times I'd long ago memorized it.  
  
"Don't they have any cheeseburgers?" asked Duo. The typical American, he was accustomed to eating out at McDonalds. That's how they should say 'I'm an American'...'I eat at McDonalds'.  
  
"It's all traditional Japanese food," I said, watching him frown at the menu. "I thought you said you'd been here before."  
  
"I have...I forgot why I never came back though. I can't even read this menu."  
  
"What do you want?" asked Quatre.  
  
"Something edible."  
  
"I'll order for you."  
  
"Thanks," he said, rolling his eyes. "Now I'll look like a little kid."  
  
"No, you'll just look like an inept American who came to the wrong restaurant," I said testily. I was wishing that we had dropped Duo off instead of Wufei. At least there wouldn't be any whining.  
  
Surprisingly enough though, Duo quietly set down his menu and shifted his gaze downward. Quatre looked like he was going to scold me, but the waiter appeared at that moment to take our order.  
  
"I'll start with some suimono (5) and sukiyaki (6), and my friend here will have the chikin supu (7) with an order of soba (8)," said Quatre politely, handing him the menus.  
  
"And I'll go with your onigiri and miso-shiro (9) please...we'll all drink sake (10)."  
  
The waiter bowed slightly and returned to the kitchen.  
  
"I ordered some chicken soup and a noodle dish for you, Duo," said Quatre kindly.  
  
"Thanks," he mumbled to the table surface. Quatre gave me a reprimanding look and I shrugged.  
  
I ate my meal in almost complete silence while Duo and my puppy talked...I'm not really sure what they were laughing about because I wasn't listening. Quatre was obviously displeased with my remark and telling me so by ignoring me on a date that should've been just for us. I watched angrily as Duo grinned at my puppy, cursing myself for ever allowing him to come...it wasn't our fault Heero never wanted to do anything with him, and I could almost see why.  
  
Quatre opted to sit in the front with Duo on the way home, and since Wufei never showed up at the park, I was sentenced to a ride alone while they continuously chattered about only God knows what...I chose not to listen, wanting nothing to do with either of them at the moment.  
  
Back at the house, I hurried inside without waiting for either of the bishounen and slammed door shut before they even had a chance to get out of the car. Heero glanced up at me as I stormed across the living room to the stairs, my anger growing with every step. How dare that little American bastard fuck up our plans? We never get a night to ourselves, and then he comes along and ruins the entire date! I grabbed my pillow and an extra pillow from out room, shoved my way past a protesting Quatre, and glared at Heero until he moved off of the couch and into the kitchen. I lay down, flipped out the light and swore to ignore Quatre as he cautiously crept down the staircase.  
  
Of course, that didn't work out so well...my puppy is difficult to ignore when he's upset, and even more so when I know damn well that he's right. He stroked the side of my face in the darkness, with only the sounds of our breathing and the faint clicking of Heero's laptop. I finally reached up and took his hand, then sat up and put my arms around him.  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling the tears spilling from my eyes onto his small shoulder.  
  
"It's not your fault," he replied, running his fingers through my hair. "You know I'll always love you and I didn't mean to upset you tonight...I just feel bad for Duo."  
  
I nodded, not entirely understanding why, but knowing that my puppy had his reasons.  
  
"Come on," he whispered, pulling back from our embrace. "Come back up to the room."  
  
"Okay," I said, gathering up my blanket and pillow. We quietly retreated into the silence of our room and fell into the bed together, where we remained until well past dawn.  
  
***  
  
We probably would've lain in that bed all day if it hadn't been for Wufei's insistent pounding on the door at 9:36 the next day. I rolled over lazily, rubbing the sleep from my eyes, and forced myself to stumble over to the door.  
  
"Wha?" I asked sleepily.  
  
"Let's go!"  
  
"Go where?"  
  
"We've got a job to do today...remember the mission?"  
  
"Oh, shit..."  
  
"Yeah...let's get a move on, okay?"  
  
I shut the door, fully awake now. Quatre was already up, tossing the blankets we'd thrown off last night back onto the bed.  
  
"I can't believe we forgot about that!" he exclaimed, looking up at me through his messy blonde hair.  
  
"Yeah," I said, grabbing my turtleneck and pulling it on over my head. "Heero's gonna have a fit."  
  
"I know..." I watched him comb out his hair and pull on a pair of pants, somehow accomplishing both tasks at the same time. We finished getting dressed and rushed downstairs where the other three pilots were waiting.  
  
"I don't even want to hear an explanation," said Heero, causing Quatre and I to blush slightly. "Let's just get going."  
  
"Lake Victoria again, right?" I said.  
  
"Right."  
  
We walked down the stairs to our underground warehouse where the Gundams were stored when they weren't being used. I was hoping to apologize to Duo before we left, but he had already clambered up into DeathScythe. "I'll tell him later," I muttered to myself and slid into the cockpit of HeavyArms.  
  
Quatre opened the warehouse from inside Sandrock and the five Gundams took off, armor gleaming in the morning sunlight. I wasn't sure why we were attacking the Victoria Base Academy again, but I didn't want to ask Heero while he was piloting Wing...his mobile suit is far nimbler than mine and I didn't want to risk having a limb severed off.  
  
Apparently he knew what I was thinking though, because several minutes after takeoff a screen to my right popped up with his image.  
  
"I don't think I explained the objective of this mission earlier...a shipment of one thousand mobile dolls has been delivered to the academy...we need to destroy these as soon as possible." I nodded briefly, and then the screen flickered out.  
  
One thousand mobile dolls...I decided that that was a threatening number and that this mission wasn't going to be a wasted effort...provided we could actually pull it off. Five Gundams are pretty hard to hide, even when DeathScythe did have an excellent cloaking system.  
  
The base loomed into view ahead of us, obviously under heavy security. Guards stood around each of the warehouses, piloting mobile suits armed to the teeth.  
  
"I don't like the looks of this," I said to Quatre via my communication unit. "Heero seems to be quite fond of suicide missions lately." A small screen materialized to my left and my puppy dog nodded.  
  
"I hope he has a better plan than just rushing in and self-destructing."  
  
At that moment, Heero's screen returned. "Someone needs to slip into there and plant an explosive devise in each of the warehouses," he said. Another screen appeared below his, showing the layout of the academy.  
  
"Why didn't we go through the plan earlier?" I asked, blood rushing to my cheeks in anger.  
  
"Everyone was out last night...there was no time to review it this morning."  
  
"Well someone could've said something before we left!"  
  
"We're here now," said Quatre. "Let's just take care of it and go home."  
  
Duo's voice crackled in over the communication. "I'll do it...this job should be cake."  
  
"All right. We'll distract them by attacking from the front, and you go around to the back where the warehouses are...leave DeatchScythe hidden in the woods and sneak into the base with five of the explosives...there are two-hundred mobile dolls being stored in each building," instructed Heero.  
  
"Gotcha."  
  
I watched Duo's Gundam veer away from the rest of us, while we continued forward.  
  
***  
  
"Okay, I'm all set," said Duo several minutes later.  
  
***  
  
As planned, we approached the base from the front as a diversion, but Heero explained to us that it was slightly more complicated than that...if Duo was unsuccessful, we would have to plow forward until we managed to destroy the mobile dolls.  
  
"I hate suicide missions," I muttered to myself as a sheet of bullets ripped out from HeavyArms' chest. To my left I could see Wufei decimating Taurus's, and to my right was my faithful puppy, slashing away at the enemy and doubtlessly weeping over their loss.  
  
"Heero," I said into the communication system. "Any word from Duo yet?"  
  
"He says he's inside..." Did I sense a hint of anxiety in his voice? It would be good for the American if I did...he needed more affection from Heero. "Don't worry about him; just stay focused on your targets."  
  
I shrugged and returned my full attention to the scene before me. Chaos had broken loose on the base...smoke and flames leapt towards the sky, Mobile Suits advanced and fired, only to be taken down...inside I wondered if Duo was having to fight as well.  
  
My question was answered several minutes later when a small screen appeared to my left...Duo's face, streaked with scarlet blood.  
  
"Duo!" I said in alarm. I could only see to his shoulders, but his breathing was labored and his pleasant features were contorted with pain.  
  
"Look, you guys need to back off now...I'm going to detonate the explosives."  
  
"Where are you?" I heard Quatre ask.  
  
"I'm inside the fourth warehouse," he grunted through gritted teeth.  
  
"Like hell we're going to leave!" said Heero. "You can't blow the place up while you're inside!"  
  
"Not much choice...I'm in a backroom, but they've got this place surrounded. I can't get out and there's not much point anyway...this body's done for."  
  
I could feel the blood draining from my face. Duo...dying...no, it wasn't possible. In the background I could here people yelling...  
  
"Listen, get outta there...I have to do this before they find the bombs!"  
  
"You get outta there!" I found myself saying shrilly. "You can kill yourself like this!"  
  
"Didn't you hear me the first time? I'm done for, regardless of whether I'm in here or not. Do you want me to show you?" The image tilted downwards and I saw Duo's body drenched with blood...there were holes and tears where there shouldn't have been...it was a wonder he was still able to talk. "Do you understand now? I can't move. This is where I'll stay."  
  
"Duo," Heero whispered. Everything began to shrink away from me, shrouded in a thick red mist. In the distance I could hear Quatre sobbing and my own voice babbling incomprehensibly, and even Wufei protesting...there was panic pouring from all our moths now.  
  
I vaguely saw Duo grin one last time and shake his head. "Keep up the fight for me...I don't wanna die for nothing." My head nodded of it's own accord. His grin faded and I was certain I saw a glimmer of tears in his eyes...his mouth was moving, but I could not hear the words...I realized he must have been talking privately to Heero. Then, with a final nod and a last breath, the world was engulfed in flames.  
  
***  
  
As the Lake Victoria Base Academy erupted into an inferno, I began to grasp the fact that we had slowly been moving backwards the entire time Duo was talking...subconsciously we must have known that there was no way for him to escape, no matter what we said.  
  
I also began to grasp the fact that I was never going to have the opportunity to apologize...all that remained of Duo was the ashes and his Gundam. We detonated the latter on the site, not wanting any of OZ to ever be able to touch it. I was filled with rage as I watched that gorgeous machine's pieces littering the Academy...I knew that this was what Duo would've wanted, but...  
  
I could not think for days after that...my mind was numb with the pain of losing Duo. He had been so beautiful...that long swinging braid, his sweet blue eyes...I suddenly realized that he was not a nuisance, just a lost puppy dog, as Quatre had once been. He wanted to feel loved and to belong...Heero tried, but he's simply too stoic. So Duo turned to us. And I turned away.  
  
I could've killed myself for being so heartless, but Quatre was already a dismal mess. He did not sleep, spending the nights sobbing in my arms and the days sitting alone in the room Duo had shared with Heero, or outside gazing down the road as though he expected the American bishounen to simply come waltzing back. I didn't want to let him harbor such false hopes, but I couldn't bring myself to extinguish the only speck of light that remained of Duo's life.  
  
People might chide me for saying that, reminding me of the memories I have of Duo, but what good are memories? They only claw at my heart, reopening the wounds caused by his loss and causing me to mourn him longer. I don't want to forget him, but I have no desire to dwell either.  
  
Yet he continues to haunt me...I never apologized. Quatre assured me that he knew, and I'm sure he's right, but I cannot shake this feeling that he is restless...still searching for the love he came so close to having.  
  
I saw Heero the other night while I was slipping downstairs for a drink...he was sitting in the kitchen in Duo's old chair, working on his laptop, when he suddenly seemed to freeze. I wasn't sure what had happened until I saw a tear spill onto the keyboard. He lay his head down on his arms and finally let his emotions out, shaking with the sadness that wracked his body. I left him there to cry out his sorrows alone.  
  
I know everyone must die, but Duo was always bursting with life...how could anyone allow someone so young and beautiful to simply be consumed by fire and a sense of duty? What bastards could have possibly brought themselves to rip apart his body with their bullets like that? Is life that unimportant anymore, that we can justify killing a mere boy?  
  
I'm sure that I will kill again...I cannot right now, but this feeling will fade and I hate myself for letting it slip away so easily. Life is so precious...how many people have I caused to feel this grief? How many children and husbands and wives and parents have I torn away from this earth without a second glance? I realize that it doesn't matter to me because they are all strangers in my eyes...I have no reason to care. And that is how Duo died...a stranger.  
  
***  
  
Author's Note: so what did you think? I know the end was a little drawn out, but I think the reflection was just as important as the rest of the story...I'll try not to babble so much next time. Please review!  
  
***  
  
Japanese Glossary:  
  
1.)koryoriya: small restaurant serving traditional Japenese food  
  
2.)unagi: eel, usually grilled  
  
3.)oden: fish stew consisting of cuttle fish, hard-boiled eggs, radish, kelp, seaweed, turnips, rice dumplings, and other ingredients. It's simmered for a long time in a broth  
  
4.)onigiri: round or triangular rice ball, sprinkled with sesame seeds or covered with dried seaweed, usually filled with fish or spicy vegetables  
  
5.)suimono: clear soup of fish or chicken with vegetables seasoned with soy sauce and sweet rice wine  
  
6.)sukiyaki: thin slices of tender fillet of beef and vegetables sauteed in front of you over a gas or charcoal fire  
  
7.)chikin supu: chicken soup  
  
8.)soba: noodles served with a sprinkling of shredded pork, beef, chicken or egg with leeks in a bowl of fish stock  
  
9.)miso-shiro: soy-bean paste soup with vegetables and tofu  
  
10.)sake: a colourless wine fermented from rice and usually served warm 


End file.
